Long Distance Relationships

Aired at RADIO INQUIRER 990AM  last August 31, 2012 , Josa on Air @ Bantay OCW

My husband left for Middle East assignment last Dec. 31, 2011.  Yes, you can read back, on the eve of New Year!  It was our first separation in all  of our 16 years of marriage. Whoa!   You can imagine how the separation hit me so hard.  It was so tough for me that for 2 whole weeks I was like a headless chicken going everywhere and nowhere.   Writing about this now still produces that same longing and pain I had since the day he left but am much saner. more focused  and productive.   Read on how I did it!
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LDRs or Long Distance Relationships seems easier these days with the availability of various social networking sites and face to face online communications that are cheaper and faster. Sure, It is easier to communicate but how does one manage long distance relationships?

1. Pick your medium.

At the onset, each should discuss the time and manner of communication that is convenient for both.  While  video calling maybe comfortable for others, it may create pressure on the other.  Other forms such as text messaging or email may be explored. Familiarize yourself with the technical aspects of an online conversation. It is frustrating having to fix something in the middle of a chat. Try to limit talk time. Consider time differences and convenience of each party.  Establish agreed rules but resist control. Remind yourself by jotting down issues that need to be discussed as partners/ family.  Keep the partner or spouse updated and informed but not burdened.

2. Maintain excitement.
 

 Be spontaneous. Create surprises. You may want to send a card via courier or snail mail.  Record a good morning greeting video, a song or poem.  Do things that you enjoy doing together as if your partner is physically with you. You may eat meals "together" or visit websites, share your bucket list etc.  You can include other family members specially the kids. Being spontaneous brings out more laughter and excitement and breaks the monotony of just you and partner chatting online.

3. RE-INVENT YOURSELF

photo by Louise Delovieres

Welcome the separation and use the time to improve and empower yourself. Other couples request for cool off.  Go into a physical fitness regimen. Learn another language, a new skill or hobby or start again on the diet you keep on breaking.  Your new skills may also augment the family’s income. Continuously improving yourself holds your self esteem up. You can also try learning relaxation and meditation, both  known to improve self control and patience which can really be put to test by LDRs.

4. ESTABLISH YOUR END TIME

Agree on a time goal until when the separation will be. Set a certain number of months or years that you’re willing to endure for LDRs.  Without an endpoint in view, love will just start to wane.

5. NO COMPROMISE.

Do not compromise trust and faithfulness,  specially for married partners.  Never put yourself in a position that will cause your partner to doubt your integrity. If you must go into an activity or event, state so your intention to your partner. Removing gray areas in your relationship will strengthen it and will lead to other areas of interests and interaction.

LDRs can be a challenge to handle. It requires focus and commitment plus a good measure of time and money.  Quite a lot for a relationship huh? Keeping up only says you want that relationship to last.

Space and time are just relative realities. Love can make them vanish.

                   Mantra : I am loved and I have faith!

MOVE ON, LIVE FREE

From a segment I co-hosted at Radio Inquirer 990AM DZIQ Bantay OCW, August 24, 2012  

MOVE ON, LIVE FREE

To move on is an activity requiring action. It involves the willingness and capability to rise from what you are now to where you would want to be, minus the emotional baggage.

So how does one move on? How can you rise up from the situation you are in? Are you simply coping up?

I am recommending 6 processes wherein one may choose to undergo,  to hurdle a  traumatic experience, a relationship break-up or any situation that caused emotional pain or trauma.  I just want to point out that these processes are not limited in its application to "big" traumatic events like death, physical abuse etc but can also be applied in everyday occurrences like traffic altercation, discipline issues etc.

1.  Recognize and accept where you are, what you are.

Know and accept that you are in a situation that needs to be dealt with. In most cases of emotional trauma, the person initially goes into an emotional haywire, easy to get mad, goes into mood swings from melancholy to hysterical and blaming frenzy. All these are coping mechanisms. For how long one will use these coping mechanisms to justify his feelings, we never can tell. For some it may take years and for lucky ones it can be done in a matter of minutes or days. Stop asking why. Just simply accept that what happened is history and you cannot change it anymore. The reason behind all things will be shown to you at the right time.

2. Feel the pain.

Allow yourself to enter into a period of mourning. Express your grief. Cry. Wail if you must.  These expressions are perfectly normal. I've known of people especially men denying themselves the release through shedding tears simply because it is not a manly act.  Each person has a form of emotional release that he needs to undergo to. What I am advocating here is the healthy and normal type of release  much not like the relief sought on drugs, alcohol and sex. In seeking expression of the pain you are having right now, you will get the emotional release of the burden you are carrying. The key here is to not allow yourself to prolong this process. Do not dwell on your loneliness or your pain. In this process of allowing you should also give up 4 habits that impair moving on. Give up blaming. Give up  complaining. Give up controlling. Give up justifying.

3. Seek the love of your family and friends.

Do not deny yourself the comfort of your family and love ones. Seek their love and support. Join activities with them and give them the chance to express their care and concern. Avoid negative people or those with the same experience and hasn't moved on yet.  Energy is contagious. A self-pitying companion is more likely to send you back to your starting point instead of providing the leverage you are looking for.

4. Find the lesson in the event and lean on it.

Inside every situation is a gift waiting to be discovered. What did the event taught you? What does the experience made you become? Find the lesson and draw strength from there. Remember you are stronger than what you think.
  
5. Express your love to self.

     Spend time with yourself. You need silent time to give your body and emotions to heal. Practice relaxation, shut up your inner dialogue. Meditate on your own goodness. At a relaxed state of mind,  take inventory of all your good points. Find your best self and highlight them by continuously repeating them in a meditative state.  This will re-instate your belief in yourself and boost your self-esteem.  Training your mind to think only your positive qualities will sound off positive vibrations. Positive vibrations will attract only positive stuff to happen to you.

      6. Keep your happy self in focus 
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Visualize your "moved-on" self.  Feel the physical changes, the lifted emotions, the new spirit. Bask on the love and pleasure your new image gives you. Memorize that feeling. Hold on to that state. Seek that feeling whenever you feel "sliding".

Make positive expectation your frame of mind always.

Do it in small things.

Soon it will become a habit.

                                     MANTRA: I choose to be happy and free!

Jbd/ dziq/ 08/24/20